do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful than how i felt when we weren't speaking because i didn't cop to what i did. i can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. i'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips. I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up i'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one minute i want to banish youth next i want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favourite cd's ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened slid into the ditch i have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together i started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)" you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off...... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up and i laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately i cannot reciprocate in my current state i think we should be careful of how much time we spend together .....for a while while i'm speaking to you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about I've been wanting your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)? I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and hydeness i'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!" (i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back (unfortunately you needed a health scare to repriortize.) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference.... I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn i get to see you see you close up oh the things i've done for you many a stitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret.)Back to the top of the page.
I've seen them kneel with baited breath for their rituals I've watched this experience raise them to pseudo higher levels I've watched them leave their families in pursuit of your nirvana I've seen them coming to line up from switzerland and america How long will this take, Baba? How long have we been sleeping? Do you see me hanging on to every word you say? How soon will I be holy? How much will this cost guru? How much longer 'till you completely absolve me? I''ve seen them give their drugs up in place of makeshift altars I've heard them chanting kali kali frantically I've heard them rotely repeat your teachings with elitism I've seen them boasting robes and foreign sandalwood beads I've seen men overlooking god in their own essence I've seen their upward glances in hopes of instant salvation I've seen their righteousness mixed without loving compassion I've watched you smile as the students bow to kiss your feet give me strength all knowing one how long 'til enlightenment? How much longer 'til you completely absolve me?Back to the top of the page.
how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics how 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots how 'bout that ever elusive kudo thank you India thank you terror thank you disillusionment thank you frailty thank you consequence thank you thank you silence how 'bout me not blaming you for everything how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you how 'bout grieving it all one at a time thank you India thank you terror thank you disillusionment thank you frailty thank you consequence thank you thank you silence the moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle the moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down how 'bout no longer being masochistic how 'bout remembering your divinity how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out how 'bout not equating death with stopping thank you India thank you Providence thank you disillusionment thank you nothingness thank you clarity thank you thank you silenceBack to the top of the page.
are you still mad i kicked you out of bed? are you still mad i gave you ultimatums? are you still mad i compared you to all my forty year old male friends? are you still mad i shared our problems with everybody? are you still mad i had a an emotional affair? are you still mad i tried to mold you into who i wanted you to be? are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions? of course you are of course you are are you still mad that i flirted wildly? are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you? are you still mad that i had one foot out the door? are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it? of course you are of course you are are you still mad i wore the pants most of the time? are you still mad that i seemed to focus only on your potential? are you still mad that i threw in the towel? are you still mad that i gave up long before you did? of course you are of course you areBack to the top of the page.
I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up i was afraid of your physical strength i was afraid you'd hit me below the belt i was afraid of your sucker punch i was afraid of your reducing me i was afraid of your alcohol breath i was afraid of your complete disregard for me i was afraid of your temper i was afraid of handles being flown off of i was afraid of holes being punched into walls i was afraid of your testosterone I have as much rage as you have I have as much pain as you do I've lived as much hell as you have and i've kept mine bubbling under for you Chorus: you were my best friend you were my lover you were my mentor you were my brother you were my partner you were my teacher you were my very own sympathetic character i was afraid of verbal daggers i was afraid of the calm before the storm i was afraid for my own bones i was afraid of your seduction i was afraid of your coercion i was afraid of your rejection i was afraid of your intimidation i was afraid of your punishment i was afraid of your icy silences i was afraid of your volume i was afraid of your manipulation i was afraid of your explosions I have as much rage as you do I have as much pain as you do I've lived as much hell as you have and i've kept mine bubbling under for you Repeat Chorus X2 you were my keeper you were my anchor you were my family you were my saviour and therein lay the issue and therein lay the problemBack to the top of the page.
that I would be good even if i did nothing that I would be good even if i got the thumbs down that I would be good if I got and stayed sick that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds that i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth that i would be great if I was no longer queen that i would be grand if i was not all knowing that i would be loved even when i numb myself that i would be good even when i am overwhelmed that i would be loved even when i was fuming that i would be good even if i was clingy that i would be good even if i lost sanity that i would be good whether with or without youBack to the top of the page.
you hadn't seen your father in such a long time he died in the arms of his lover how dare he your mother never left the house she never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her you reminded her so much of your father so you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive and why you can't trust anyone but us but then how can i begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me i don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years i have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring who are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn i feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood i walked into his office i felt so self-conscious on the couch he was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis i don't know i've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit? just the other day my sweet daughter i was driving past 203 i walked up the stars in my minds eyes i remember how they would creak loudly she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo i was only trying to be the best big brother i could i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide sometimes indignant sometimes raw can you imagine i pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes? it feels like highway robbery and sometimes it's peanuts i wish it could last a couple more hours so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally) you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big and i love you more now than i ever have in my whole lifeBack to the top of the page.
i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation would I be letting you win in my non reaction? how would I explain? how would I explain this to my children if I had them? because I can't not because I can't not because I can't afford to be misread one more time would it be whining if I said I needed a hug? would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough? and how can I complain? and how can I complain when I'm the one that reaches for this? because I can't not because I can't not because I cannot walk without my crutches because I can't not because I can't not because I can't help wonder why you ask me to all the unheard wisdom in the school yard you think you're the right ones you swear you're the charmed ones I'm sure but how can you go on with such conviction? who do you think you are when you question me? because we can't not because we can't not because we can't help laugh at underestimations because we can't not because we can't not because we can't afford to be misled one more time because we can't not because we can't not because we cannot help without your willingness why do you affect me? why do you affect me still? why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still? why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still? why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?Back to the top of the page.
burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me if someone broke into my house suits in the living room do you realize guys i was born in 1974 we've got someone here to explain your publishing we know how much you love to be in front of audiences hopeful you are schoolbound you are naive you are driven you are take a trip to new york with your guardian and your fake identification when they said "is there something anything you'd like to know young lady?" you said "yes i'd like to know what kind of people i'll be dealing with" precocious you are headstrong you are terrified you are ahead of your time you are don't mind our staring but we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum we're surprised you didn't crack-up lord knows that we would've we would've liked to have been there but you keep pushing us away resilient you are big time you are ruthless you are precious you areBack to the top of the page.
as we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone but i need to talk to somebody you said "wouldn't it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before i died i'd be filled with such regret before i took my last breath" and i said "you're willing to tell me this now and you're not going to die anytime soon" and i said i haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain and yes you're still a fine woman and i cringed i was hoping we could heal each other i was hoping we could be raw together we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir and your money" and when i walked by they said "thank you too dear" i was all pigtails and cords and there was a day when i would've said something like "hey dude i could buy and sell this place so kiss it" i too once though i was owed something i was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other i was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up i too thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow i too once thought life was cruel it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you i think you're insensitive and i don't feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? fundamentally evil? and you said yes i said i don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said "well what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head. i think what he did was wrong and i would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him" i had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged i was hoping i was hoping we could dance together i was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy togetherBack to the top of the page.
I am the biggest hypocrite I've been undeniably jealous I have been loud and pretentious I have been utterly threatened I've gotten candy for my self-interest the sexy treadmill capitalist heaven forbid i be criticized heaven forbid i be ignored i have abused my power forgive me you mean we actually are all one one one one one one one one i've been out of reach and separatist heaven forbid average (whatever average means) i have been compensated for my days of powerlessness i have abused my so-called power forgive me you mean we actually are all one one one one one one one one did you just call her amazing? surely we both can't be amazing! and give up my hard earned status as fabulous freak of nature? I have abused my power forgive me you mean we actually are all one one one one one one one one always looked good on paper sounded good in theoryBack to the top of the page.
if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect i would throw a party still it would not come i would bike run swim and still it would not come i'd go traveling and still it would not come I would starve myself and still it would not come if I am masculine I will be taken more seriously if I take a break it would make me irresponsible if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often if I need assistance then I must be incapable i'd be filthy rich and still it would not come I would seduce them and still it would not come I would drink vodka and still it would not come i'd have an orgasm and still it wouldn't come if I accumulate knowledge i'll be impenetrable if I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve if I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked if I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon i would go shopping and still it would not come i'd leave the country and still it would not come i would scream and rebel still it would not come i would stuff my face and still it would not come i'd be productive and still it would not come i'd be celebrated still it would not come i'd the the hero and still it would not come i'd renunciate and still it would not comeBack to the top of the page.
dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you and your career your whereaboutsBack to the top of the page.
you from new york you are so relevant you reduce me to cosmic tears luminous more so than most anyone unapologetically alive knot in my stomach and lump in my throat I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance so pure such an expression supposed former infatuation junkie I sink three pointers and you wax poetically I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance so pure such an expression let's grease the wheel over tea let's discuss things in confidence let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous let's solve the world's problems I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance so pure such an expressionBack to the top of the page.
dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion if we were our bodies if we were our futures if we were our defenses i'd be joining you if we were our culture if we were our leaders if we were our denials i'd be joining you I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful if we were our nametags if we were our rejections if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you if we were our indignities if we were our successes if we were our emotions i'd be joining you you and i we're like four year olds we want to know why and how come about everything we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak out minds and never talk small and be intuitive and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon we need to find like-minded companions if we were their condemnations if we were their projections if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you if we were our incomes if we were our obsessions if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more oftenBack to the top of the page.
you are the original template you are the original exemplary how seen were you actually? how revered were you (honestly) at the time? why pleased with your low maintenance? you loved us more than we could've love you back where was your ally your partner in feminine crime? oh mother who's your buddy oh mother who's got your back the heart of the house the heart of the house all hail the goddess! you were "good ol'" you were "count on 'er 'till four am" you saw me run from the house in the snow melodramatically oh mother who's your sister? oh mother who's your friend? the heart of the house the heart of the house all hail the goddess! we left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus and talked like women to women would womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from? must've been your father your dad" I got it from you I got it from you do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways? in my fits of laughter? in my tinkerbell tendencies? in my lack of colour coordination?Back to the top of the page.
I wouldn't have compromised as much so much of myself for fear of having you hating me I would've sung so loudly it would've cracked myself! I became self-conscious of anything exuberant I wouldn't have sold myself short I wouldn't have kept my eyes glued to the ground if I hadn've known my invisibility would not make a difference I would've run around screaming proudly at the top of my voice I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck i'm talking idealism here I would not have been so self depricating I wouldn't have cowered for fear of having my eyes cut my comfort off I wouldn't have feigned needlessness I would not have discredited every one of their compliments it was your approval I wanted your congratulationsBack to the top of the page.